Posted by: pt | June 7, 2009

OLD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK

She was the last woman I truly cared about.  That was 528 day ago.  That’s not a number I had to calculate.  I’ve been keeping track of it since we were last together.  It ended rather abruptly and bitterly.  A typical ending for my relationships.  Try as I might, it seems I can’t avoid the bitter break-up. Why?  Well because the disagreement is so great and personal that I can’t help but defend myself even though there can’t be a winner in the argument.  And since the disagreement typically becomes personal and bitter, it hurts.  And when I hurt, I write.  It’s my way of getting rid of the hurt and disappointment.  These are my habits. 

The one thing I have gotten better at is forgiving and letting go.  I don’t hold grudges, I don’t stay mad, and I forgive.  I didn’t used to do any of those things.  But I gotta work on my break up skills.  I need to somehow accept the woman’s point of view and not get into defending or denying even though I may be right.  Because being right doesn’t solve anything.

And so I’m here today to apologize to someone I hurt.  She was blogged about and my readers defended me.  And she was hurt further.  Yet in spite of all this, we have remained friends.  And up until last night, we hadn’t seen each other.  It was just a friendly dinner, but I realize what I have been missing.  She looked fantastic.  We talked, we laughed, we spoke of the past and of the future.  I felt bad for what happened.  I know she feels worse.  So much so that I know she can’t give me anything more than friendship now.  Which is a shame because I know I still have feelings for her.  But I’m grateful for our friendship nevertheless.      

This is my first post this year.  And it’s an apology to her.  I hope I learn from this.

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Responses

  1. Have you completely abandoned blogging?? :o(


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