Posted by: pt | January 9, 2010


New Year’s Eve, in the comfort of my own living room, I watched the crystal ball drop from Times Square.  There was no one to hug; no one to kiss.  It’s a scene I’ve managed to repeat for six of the past seven years.  Last year was the exception.  I was at a lame party where everyone spoke Spanish, and I understood about 5% of what was said for the entire evening. 

I think New Year’s pretty much sums up the year and the decade for me.  In 2009, I decided to give online dating one last try.  I tried, JDate,, and yahoo personals.  All three were a bust.  Send emails, get no response, receive emails from overweight grandmas.  So as a last resort, I tried eHarmony which was a huge failure five years ago.  During my three month membership, I managed to communicate with only two women.  One of which I corresponded with for two months before we met a few weeks ago at Starbucks.  She was nice, energetic, and attractive.  It seemed that I might have finally found a new friend.  I called her twice for a second date.  No response.   There were other women I met in ’09, but the timing wasn’t right and nothing developed.  And that was it.  I’d had it. I decided last weekend that I am done with dating.  Seriously.  I’m done.  It’s been a tough year.  It’s been a tough decade for that matter.

Hmm, how to make a long story short?  Well here goes.  The decade started out perfectly.  I had just gotten my dream job and all was well.  But then boss forced me to move to a Podunk town in Pennsylvania where he treated me like a slave.  It became the worst job I ever had.  My house did not have fresh water.  I sued the builder and lost on 9/11/01 of all days.  I escaped to Phoenix for a new job.  I was basically fired two years later for protecting my own boss and friend.  My ex made me leftover franks and beans (with no franks) for our 10 year anniversary dinner.  We grew apart; the marriage fell apart. I put my dog to sleep. I left home for good with no money or possessions. I went through a bitter divorce.  I lost my mind. I got depressed.  My new job in Plantation Florida had me traveling 100%.  I fell in love. She picked her boyfriend over me.  It was pretty much the bottom.  I fought back and persevered.  I got a new job. I lived in dumps. Until I paid back my loans. Dating was a complete waste for five years and completely discouraging.  I had a blog and wrote about my life.  It was therapudic.  But I got wrongly accused of sexual harrassment by a moron who sold me and my blog out to my employer.  I’ve always believed in ‘what goes around comes around.’   My ex asshole boss lost millions and my accuser lost her job.  So there you have it.  The 00s in a nutshell.

The good news is that my son is great. I’ve finally moved into a place I can be proud of and furnished it with all new furniture.  I’m still employed.  I’ve gotten to travel abroad for the first time.  I’ve rediscovered music and I discovered running.  I even ran a marathon.  I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been, and I have money in the bank now.  I’m going to adopt a mini-dachshund.  The heck with dating.  And so, I’m leaving the 00s behind and looking forward to what the 10s will bring.  I have a good feeling about them.

Posted by: pt | June 7, 2009


She was the last woman I truly cared about.  That was 528 day ago.  That’s not a number I had to calculate.  I’ve been keeping track of it since we were last together.  It ended rather abruptly and bitterly.  A typical ending for my relationships.  Try as I might, it seems I can’t avoid the bitter break-up. Why?  Well because the disagreement is so great and personal that I can’t help but defend myself even though there can’t be a winner in the argument.  And since the disagreement typically becomes personal and bitter, it hurts.  And when I hurt, I write.  It’s my way of getting rid of the hurt and disappointment.  These are my habits. 

The one thing I have gotten better at is forgiving and letting go.  I don’t hold grudges, I don’t stay mad, and I forgive.  I didn’t used to do any of those things.  But I gotta work on my break up skills.  I need to somehow accept the woman’s point of view and not get into defending or denying even though I may be right.  Because being right doesn’t solve anything.

And so I’m here today to apologize to someone I hurt.  She was blogged about and my readers defended me.  And she was hurt further.  Yet in spite of all this, we have remained friends.  And up until last night, we hadn’t seen each other.  It was just a friendly dinner, but I realize what I have been missing.  She looked fantastic.  We talked, we laughed, we spoke of the past and of the future.  I felt bad for what happened.  I know she feels worse.  So much so that I know she can’t give me anything more than friendship now.  Which is a shame because I know I still have feelings for her.  But I’m grateful for our friendship nevertheless.      

This is my first post this year.  And it’s an apology to her.  I hope I learn from this.

Posted by: pt | December 24, 2008


The last time I was with a woman was 12/27/07.  Today was supposed to be the end of the streak.  We’ve been chatting and seemed to get along well.  So we set it up for today.  Two lonely people to meet, have lunch, and hook up.  But as usual, on this appointed day, she didn’t call and I haven’t heard from her.  That makes nine straight cancellations.  And, the streak is 363 days and counting…


Posted by: pt | December 12, 2008


OK.  I’m not sure why the love gods are torturing me so. 2008 has already been the worst dating year I’ve had.  And now I’ve caught the dreaded cancellation disease.  Today marked the eighth straight date that has canceled on me.  I have no idea why.  I guess it’s the quality of character that’s lacking in who I have been chatting with. 

But hey, all is not lost.  At least this woman had a good excuse for canceling lunch with me today.

vaness33178: sorry I couldnt call u [for lunch] today
zzinger205: what happened??
vaness33178: I slept a lot

Posted by: pt | November 29, 2008


I truly believe the idiom, what goes around comes around.  Unfortunately for me, I’ve had to rely on this far too often to help me ease the burden of people who have wronged me in my life.  There have been a handful of people who are guilty of this during my 22 years of working for a living.  I think in each instance, they have gotten what they’ve deserved in the end. 


I’m happy to report that once again, justice is being served.  My sexual harassment accuser is being fired.  It only took six weeks for others to realize what I had.  That her work was awful, and she added no value for someone who is supposed to be at a Director level getting paid over $100,000.  This whole issue has been a huge burden on me.  I’ve been tagged as guilty, and no matter what happens, that label will not go away.  People were not SUPPOSED to know about this.  But they know.  It’s how Corporate America works.  Word somehow slips out.  And I’m THAT person.


I had my own documentation and case against her, but it’s one of those he-said, she-said things.  20 years of supervisory experience, 22 years in the workplace, a stellar performer.  All that didn’t matter.  We were on equal footing because the law allows for judgments like this.  I knew and stated to the powers that be that my only vindication would be when she got to prove to others what she proved to me.  That she was pretty much worthless.  And today I got the word. Monday will be her lst day. And like I said, the memory will not be erased and I have a memo in my file, but at last I feel vindicated.  YES! 

Posted by: pt | November 18, 2008


When I last posted, I told you guys the cruel story of California Girl.  That one hit me hard.  I still haven’t heard a word from her.  I don’t know if I’m either stubborn, persistent, clueless, stupid, relentless, hopelessly optimistic, or moronic.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse to believe the world is full of cruel people and that someone out there can actually be nice and genuine to me.


And so I continue to chat and meet people online hoping to find friends and actually meet someone in person.  Ironically, the next person I “met” online was eerily similar to Cali Girl #1.  She was another Cali girl.  She was married.  She was 29.  She was attractive.  And, a nurse-to-be.  We hit it off early and chatted daily for a week.  So far the story is identical, right?  So I should have just forgotten about it, right?  Well, I mentioned to her that I’d be going to California soon and asked her if she’d like to meet.  She was excited.  So was I.  Funny thing, she has disappeared and I haven’t heard from her in over a week.


Two weeks ago, I met who I thought was a real genuine person.  We chatted for 12 hours the first time we met.  She was single and young.  25.  Blonde.  Drop-dead gorgeous.  Modelesque.  And she only lived 2 ½ hours away.  I couldn’t really understand why she apparently wanted to hang out with me, but I just shook it aside and enjoyed the moments we were having.  She was a chef and we certainly had a lot in common to talk about.  We talked about cooking together, going places, flirted a lot, and seemed to have a cool connection.  But there were some red flags developing as always that made me start to wonder. 


For a female (sorry girls), she didn’t talk much.  My questions were generally answered with one word answers. Yes, no, mmhmm.  And secondly, the only personal question she ever asked me was what was my birthday. No ‘how old are you,’ no ‘married or single’, no ‘brothers and sisters?’, no nothing.  Yet there was this charade that we were gonna meet and hang out.  But every time I broached the subject, she sort of evaded it.  So I decided today to ask her if she wanted to be only chat buddies or whether she truly wanted to meet me.  But I never got the chance.  I saw her online tonite but by the time I got out of the shower, she was gone.  So I sent her a text asking her if she was in bed already.  Her response?  I’ll let her tell you.  “Yes sir.  I have someone to talk me to sleep tonight lol.” 


Pretty cruel of her, huh?  I mean, I don’t care if she’s flirting with someone else but does she have to flat out tell me?? Jeezus.  Once again, I know I got what I deserved, but I just don’t understand how or why or what would possess people do shit like that?  It’s been a rough four weeks.  It’s been a rough two months come to think of it.  I need to get out of this rut.  Trouble is, I don’t know how.

Posted by: pt | November 1, 2008


“The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry…”

From the poem To a Mouse by Robert Burns


They were literally best-laid plans.  They seemed so real, so certain, so definite.  Yet this morning I found myself waking up in my bed alone.  Nobody next to me.  I’d been had once again…


I thought for sure this time would be different.  I was thinking about it as I ran the night before she was to arrive.  I’m due, I thought to myself.  My luck is due to turn around for the better.  Getting my ass kicked by sinus surgery and a sexual harassment accusation was brutal, but like always, I got past it.  Perseverance.  My specialty. 


It started out simply enough.  Out of boredom, I found myself in a Florida Yahoo chat room.  There’s a lot of fantasy going on in those rooms and, of course, I was looking for some reality.  And lo and behold as if upon chance, I met someone in there.  I asked her where she lived in Florida, and she said she’s actually from southern California.  I asked her why she was in the Florida chat room, and she said she had some nurse training and was coming to Miami for the first time.  She was looking for suggestions on things to do.  So being the nice person that I am, I started giving her a bunch of restaurants, bars, clubs, etc. on South Beach where she would be staying.  She was very appreciative.  I asked her that if she needed a tour guide, I’d volunteer.  She said she might take me up on it.


So we chatted some more.  And some more.  And what started out as some innocent banter turned into an interesting adventure.  We went from maybe drinks, to drinks, to drinks and dinner, to drinks, dinner, and a sleepover.  I was to be her Halloween date.  We exchanged pictures, and she was very cute.  Not fake cute, but genuinely cute.  Now somewhere after all this was established I found out one more tidbit.  And here’s where you kill me.  She’s married.  29 and married.  I didn’t hold it against her that she was.  She even asked me if I had issues with that.  I asked her if her marriage lacked passion and sex.  I expected a yes, but I got a no.  Hmmm.  Yet she still wanted to be with me.  A bit odd, I thought.  But I promised myself that if life’s adventures come my way, I’d risk it.  And as you know, I typically get burned.  And although I’ve been down these murky waters before, THIS TIME, it felt right. 


We had been chatting all week about our weekend plans to hang out and all the fun stuff we were going to do Friday for Halloween.  I lined up a bunch of hot spots for us.  A long night of partying late into the dawn.  She asked me if I’d stay with her.  Hmm, sex was definitely on the menu.  She was to arrive Wednesday, and we both decided we couldn’t wait until Friday so we decided to meet upon her arrival.  I made a reservation at a cool restaurant and she once again invited me to stay the night.


It all seemed too perfect.  She was due to arrive around 3 pm and call me shortly thereafter.  When I didn’t hear from her, I started wondering whether all this was indeed too perfect.  It was.  I checked yahoo around 5 pm.  I saw the following offline message:


Mrs Perfect (10/29/2008 11:43:29 AM): are u on? I had a family emergency last night, my dad went into the hospital. Im not going to make it today.


Now first of all, I got what I deserved.  I’ll admit that.  The last time I was to meet someone, they gave me the same excuse.  Family emergency, can’t make it.  So as much as I don’t want to believe this whole thing was a fake, all signs point to it once again.  I’ve yet to hear from her since.  The disappointment I felt reading that message went straight through my heart.  It’s a familiar empty feeling.  I’m such a believer in people.  I want to believe what she says is true.  But past history doesn’t put the odds in my favor.  So it’s likely just another huge letdown and disappointment.  All this swirled around in my mind as I sat home last night listening to rowdy Halloween party revelers.  And again as I went to bed and woke up alone.  That’s when Burns’ famous line hit me.  I think I was the mouse he was referring to.  Well, at least my new blog is aptly named.

Posted by: pt | October 11, 2008


When I faced the ‘firing squad’ for the first time in my career, it was a shock.  I’d put my heart and soul into that company for 7 plus years and in the end, all they wanted to do was fire me.  I felt wronged and when the legal system failed me, I turned to writing. 

Thus the beginnings of my book.  I’m often asked why I’m writing the book.  The question has multiple answers, but the original answer is still valid especially when you consider recent events.  Reason one was, and is, because I wanted to expose those who wronged me.  Wronged me unnecessarily and cruelly.  I thought maybe, just maybe, if they read what I wrote they might think twice about what they’d done and perhaps do things differently the next time. 

And so I have a new chapter to write under rule one.  Another person to expose.  But as important as rule one is, there is a necessity involved in me writing.  I need to write.  I need to unburden my cluttered mind and get out all that stress.  Writing is perhaps my best therapy.  And to think that someone could take that away from me, appalls me to no end.  That, to me, is unforgivable.

Posted by: pt | October 4, 2008


I’ve been discovered at work.  Let’s just say that someone wanted revenge.  Revenge because rather than be accountable and take responsibility for his/her actions, I was to blame for shortcomings.  So I had to shut down my blog of nearly four years.  I’m sad in the fact that something so personal was taken away from me, and that the person who ratted on me is so worthless and weak.  But that’s life, and I have to move on.  I don’t know yet whether I’ll be “Dooced,” but it’s entirely possible.  And so for now, I must remain separate from who I was before.  Those of you who know me, I still value your readership.

Now then, how did I come up with the title?  Well from my prior blog, it was my alternate title.  The lyrics from the song are fitting.  For some yet to be solved mystery, I can’t escape this little black cloud above my head.  This latest episode is a classic example.  My vision of this song and how it relates to me is clear in Alanis’ version.  Click the below link and enjoy it.

Oh, and the picture?  It’s going to be my book cover.  You all remember the title, right?  This is an actual picture of my father chasing a butterfly over 80 years ago.  Butterflies are elusive.  As is life.  As are dreams.

Alanis Morissette – King Of Pain